Category Archives: Culinary

Apocalypse for charity

What if you could prepare for the Apocalypse while donating to charity at the same time?

Imagine this:

For $100 a year Calamity-Charity delivers to your door a five-gallon (or more) bucket of various survival goods. Inside you’ll find 20-30 kilos of rice, beans, oats, wheat, and assorted flavorings and dried vegetables and proteins.

Now, in all likelihood, you probably won’t be using any of the contents in this bucket. And in fact, it behooves you to NOT use it. Because after six months, Calamity-Charity will delivery to you a NEW bucket, and take the old sealed bucket away. If you renew your yearly subscription, every six months you’ll get a brand new bucket of survival food.

But not only that… Because you DONATED your first sealed bucket you get to write off its cost of $50.00. If you renew your subscription you get to write off ALL $100 as a charitable donation. AND STILL get to keep your third survival bucket (which gets replaced on your anniversary and then again… and so on and so forth.)

And here’s the bonus part: that food that Calamity-Charity carted away after six months? Yeah, it went to FEED THE POOR! It went to homeless shelters, emergency food supplies for natural disaster victims — it didn’t get thrown out — it got used by those in need.

And if, by the extremely unlikely scenario you need to use the food? Well, you’ll have guaranteed fresh grains ready and waiting for your use.

Sounds like a pretty good business model no? Get in on the Apoca-porn industry, provide a potentially life saving service, and create a charity system all in one!

 

 

 

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There should be a law…

NOT that the world needs more laws… But…

Tupperware should be normalized.

There, I said it. I’m a, what am I? I’m a consumer!

How many different type, sizes, colors, shapes, depths, lids, cavities, volumes do you own that try to enclose — in plastic — your coveted leftovers? I KNOW for a fact you have at least two different styles of containers in your cupboards.

I would wager, (like a lot, like $50) that you have MORE than two. In fact, I’d bet that you have — OK, OK, get ready — FIVE different strange, funky, some are your’s, some are neighbor’s, some are, “where the hell did this come from” containers. Am I right?

Hell yes I’m right.

So, damn Tupperware! Rubbermade (or maid) (or mayde), get your shit together! Save the planet from the plastico-armageddon! Make all your stuff with STANDARD dimensions. And don’t give me no SAE measurements yo! I’m saying metric here. Cuz, you know, metric ain’t no size of someone’s got-damned shoe!

Are you feeling me Tuppermade? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! (Burp! — still good!)


The Ultimate Bite

Humans are driven, in part, by their appetites.

And by that I mean their actual, “damn I’m hungry!” appetites.

The eating of food, driven by myriad biological, social and situational factors, is “supposed” to fulfill that single requirement of nutritional satisfaction. But, as we all know, it rarely does. Satisfy that is. Why is that?

We’re not, hungry, per se. But we’re not quenched, or complete, still a bit hollow. We, somehow, after countless bites of pasta, pizza, steak, seafood, cheese, fruits and veggies, and countless culinary offerings, are still unsatisfied. Unfulfilled.

Again, why is that?

Perhaps it’s because we’ve just not experienced, during our spate of hunger satiation, the ultimate bite.

What is the ultimate bite? Imagine a mouthful of a little sweet, a little sour, a drop of bitter, a dusting of salty, a shimmer of savory, a layer of unctuousness, all wrapped up in a instantly dissolving film of umami. Mix in a bit of chewy, a dripping of slippery, a crack of crunchy and skurr of silky smoothness.

That is the ultimate bite. The complete and total appeasement of our culinary desires. All of our food wants — bundled into a single life-affirming bite. True manna from the heavens.

Gulp!

Now, what if such a thing existed? What if we could create, or find or evolve such a all-satisfying sundry? How many would you eat? My thinking is that, although such a creation would fail to provide you that ghrelin suppressing sensation, with just a single bite, if you finalized your meal, ANY meal with a single ultimate bite, your hungers would be calmed, placated, your hunger would finally be satiated.

So often our desires drawn from the world twist themselves morphing into accessible solutions; food as a solution, not to dietary needs but to any lack in our lives.

But what if the ultimate bite could provide that perfect flourish, the last scrumptious morsel that would seal off our desires? In food it might be possible. In drink? What about in life?


King’s Kitchen

Here’s an idea…

Create a culinary show focusing on the cooking methods, foods and locations of the royalty of the world.

How did the king’s cook prepare and feed hundreds of people throughout history?

What foods and utensils and methods were employed to feed the kings and queens and their retinue during the Middle Ages? The age of enlightenment? Ancient Rome? Ancient Egypt? Ancient Africa? What of the Asian kings?

How do you cook for dozens and dozens in those stone kitchens using those primitive tools. What secrets did they employ? What spices the they leverage? What unsavory bits did they sneak in or die from?

The current culinary scene is all good and well, filled with sus-vide meats, nitrogen foams, exotic presentations and weird combinations. But I think the cooking done in bygone days might be more interesting.

I think there are hundreds of venues, subjects, techniques and ingredients that would be fascinating to learn about. And… actually performing the foraging, the market going, the preparation, the cooking and the serving — IN THESE LOCATIONS… Well, I think that would be a captivating show. Imagine if one would be allowed to enter and use kitchens within the castles of Britain? Or France or anywhere in Europe? Imagine cooking for the kings of Mayan or Incan culture, or at least simulating it, but on the steps of Coba or Telume. How about preparing a feast in the deserts of Egypt? Or Tanzania?

I think if one could start small, local, a few castles in England say, then build an audience…

What’s needed however is someone with an obvious robust nature. Good butchering skills. Not afraid of uncommon foods and their preparation. Someone with a fair amount of experience but not caught up in haught-cuisine. Someone down to earth and able to explain, learn, flub-up now and then and open to giving-it-a-go.

King’s Kitchen sounds like a fun project no?